Goodbye Columbus

Arrivederci Chris, your time in the sun has finally expired.  After more than 5 centuries, the noted explorer who is credited with finding the New World is being unceremoniously shoved into the garbage bin of history.

It seems the Italian seafarer, after decades of revisionist history being shoved down our public school student’s throats, will no longer be celebrated as a hero to America’s schoolchildren.  No more Columbus Day holidays, no more Columbus Day Parades.  From now on it’s Fall Day, or maybe:  The Leaves Are Turning Red Day (I think this would go over well in The White House and Moscow), or even White Europeans Give STDs to Native Americans Day.  Now those are something all Americans can be proud to celebrate.

Yes, we can all lament the fact that Chris Columbus (real name Cristoforo Colombo) won’t be responsible for that three-day weekend in October any longer.  You see we have been convinced he was a racist, and a murderer, and a slaver, a spreader of diseases and a self-righteous promoter of that deadly religion called Christianity.  Oh the suffering he caused!  Oh, the humanity! Oh, the lunacy!

Now revisionist historians see his voyages as symbolizing the more brutal aspects of European colonization and represent the beginning of the destruction of Native American peoples and culture.  Was there brutality?  Of course.  But brutality had a long history in the Western Hemisphere long before Europeans arrived.

Let’s take a look at the Native American “cultures.”  The ancient indigenous peoples of North America were as warlike as any European nation; probably more so.  Certainly they practiced slavery, infanticide, genocide and were particularly brutal to their adversaries.  Some of the native tribes practiced cannibalism.  I’m not sure, but I don’t think Columbus ever gnawed on anyone’s ulna.

The Aztecs had a particularly fun practice of cutting the heart out of a living man lying prostrate on a cold stone slab while the high priest prayed to a not-so-benevolent god.  Oh, those wacky Aztecs, I bet they’d be a riot at a Toga Party! Heck, I want to party with those dudes!

Sounds like the culture we should have left alone don’t you think?  Hey, maybe we could have converted from Christianity instead of introducing those lovable peaceniks to Jesus.  Shame on us for destroying their “culture.”  What were we thinking?

By the way, all of those nose-rotting sexually-transmitted diseases that Columbus supposedly foisted upon the local tribes; well it might interest you to know that many prominent historians report that syphilis was unheard of in Europe until Columbus’ crew returned to Europe from their voyages to The New World.  Hmm, so where, oh where could they have caught the dreaded sex bug?  I hardly think it was from a yellow-fin tuna!  But, again, let’s not let facts get in the way of a darn good agenda.

So, it’s Goodbye Columbus, hello Fall Day.  Yeah, that has a nice ring to it.  Light, but refreshing!

Oh well, at least we still celebrate George Washington’s Birthday.  

Don’t we?

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