Senators John McCain and Tom Coburn have recently put out a list of 100 “job-creating” items from last year’s “Stimulus Bill.” There were far more than 100, but I guess it would have been difficult to lift a one-ton tome filled with all the wonderful things the stimulus did for us.
So, I thought I would share some of them with you. Because of time and space constraints, and also because I’ve wrapped my head much too tightly with duct tape, I’ve only listed a few of the most outstanding. Your money; hard at work. Enjoy.
WARNING: THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF BLOOD SHOOTING OUT OF YOUR EYES AND YOUR HEAD EXPLODING. READ WITH CAUTION!
Despite having no plans to
reopen a shuttered visitor center at Mount St. Helens in Washington State, the
U.S. Forest Service is spending more than $554,000 to replace its windows. A nice view I’m sure. But who’s paying for the Windex?
The University of North
Carolina at Charlotte received more than $760,000 in stimulus funds to help
develop a computerized choreography program that its creators believe could
lead to a YouTube-like “Dance Tube” online application. Everybody mambo!
Train Station, in Glassborto, NJ, was awarded $1.2 million to be converted into a museum. All aboard!
The California Academy of
Sciences is receiving nearly $2 million to send researchers to the Southwest
Indian Ocean Islands and east Africa, to capture, photograph, and analyze
thousands of exotic ants. Do you think it might be a good idea to bring some Amdro?
On September 28, 2009,
Hydrogen Energy California, LLC (HECA), owned largely by BP, was awarded $308
million in stimulus funds to “generate more environmentally friendly
electricity by capturing carbon dioxide from the burning of fossil fuels.” I guess BP could use that money now.
People around Boynton,
Oklahoma were left scratching their heads after the town was awarded nearly
$90,000 to replace a quarter-mile stretch of sidewalk that was replaced only
five years ago. Nothing lasts
forever, especially concrete.
Mohegan Tribe of Indians of Connecticut will be getting $54 million in rural
development loans from the United States Department of Agriculture to construct
a new four-story tribal government center, which will include a new community
most government buildings, however, this one will also contain a practice
facility for the Connecticut Sun, the WNBA professional basketball team. Is this payback for the purchase of Manhattan Island
for $24 worth of cheap beads?
A Georgia Tech assistant
professor of music will receive $762,372 to study improvised music. They could have gotten Chick Corea for a lot less.
Researchers at Georgia
State University are using almost $700,000 in stimulus funds to study why
monkeys respond negatively to inequity and unfairness. I could have told them, it’s all about
empathy. But nothing says love like $700,000.
The American Legacy
Foundation is slated to receive almost half a million dollars to provide
quitting smokers with a smartphone so they can contact their quitting support
groups by text message or phone call to prevent relapses. Let’s see, a cigarette or a phone call? Hmmm, quite the conundrum.
Pacific Environment, a San-Francisco
based non-profit organization that “protects the living environment of the
Pacific Rim by promoting grassroots activism, strengthening communities and
reforming international policies,” has received a stimulus grant in the amount
of $199,862 for an experimental applied science project to assist indigenous
Siberian communities in engaging Russian policymakers in local civic and
environmental issues. My question
is: Who brings the vodka?
Want to know if it’s going
to rain this week . . . on Venus? According to scientists at the Southwest
Research Institute (SWRI) in Texas, you absolutely do. So the government has
given them nearly $300,000 in stimulus funds to satisfy the American taxpayer’s
profound need for interplanetary weather info. I wonder if their predictions will be any more accurate than The Weather Channel.
Department of Health and Human Services has sent $144,541 to the Winston-Salem
college to see how monkeys react under the influence of cocaine. Is that because we have so many chimps who are
Now, I know what you’re thinking. No, actually I don’t, but if you were thinking, would you think that any of this was a good idea?
Because I sure as hell don’t!