Senators John McCain and Tom Coburn have recently put out a list of 100 “job-creating” items from last year’s “Stimulus Bill.” There were far more than 100, but I guess it would have been difficult to lift a one-ton tome filled with all the wonderful things the stimulus did for us.
So, I thought I would share some of them with you. Because of time and space constraints, and also because I’ve wrapped my head much too tightly with duct tape, I’ve only listed a few of the most outstanding. Your money; hard at work. Enjoy.
WARNING: THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF BLOOD SHOOTING OUT OF YOUR EYES AND YOUR HEAD EXPLODING. READ WITH CAUTION!
Despite having no plans to
reopen a shuttered visitor center at Mount St. Helens in Washington State, the
U.S. Forest Service is spending more than $554,000 to replace its windows. A nice view I’m sure. But who’s paying for the Windex?
The University of North
Carolina at Charlotte received more than $760,000 in stimulus funds to help
develop a computerized choreography program that its creators believe could
lead to a YouTube-like “Dance Tube” online application. Everybody mambo!
An abandoned
Train Station, in Glassborto, NJ, was awarded $1.2 million to be converted into a museum. All aboard!
The California Academy of
Sciences is receiving nearly $2 million to send researchers to the Southwest
Indian Ocean Islands and east Africa, to capture, photograph, and analyze
thousands of exotic ants.
On September 28, 2009,
Hydrogen Energy California, LLC (HECA), owned largely by BP, was awarded $308
million in stimulus funds to “generate more environmentally friendly
electricity by capturing carbon dioxide from the burning of fossil fuels.” I guess BP could use that money now.
People around Boynton,
Oklahoma were left scratching their heads after the town was awarded nearly
$90,000 to replace a quarter-mile stretch of sidewalk that was replaced only
five years ago. Nothing lasts
forever, especially concrete.
The
Mohegan Tribe of Indians of Connecticut will be getting $54 million in rural
development loans from the United States Department of Agriculture to construct
a new four-story tribal government center, which will include a new community
center. Unlike
most government buildings, however, this one will also contain a practice
facility for the Connecticut Sun, the WNBA professional basketball team. Is this payback for the purchase of Manhattan Island
for $24 worth of cheap beads?
A Georgia Tech assistant
professor of music will receive $762,372 to study improvised music. They could have gotten Chick Corea for a lot less.
Researchers at Georgia
State University are using almost $700,000 in stimulus funds to study why
monkeys respond negatively to inequity and unfairness. I could have told them, it’s all about
empathy. But nothing says love like $700,000.
The American Legacy
Foundation is slated to receive almost half a million dollars to provide
quitting smokers with a smartphone so they can contact their quitting support
groups by text message or phone call to prevent relapses. Let’s see, a cigarette or a phone call? Hmmm, quite the conundrum.
Pacific Environment, a San-Francisco
based non-profit organization that “protects the living environment of the
Pacific Rim by promoting grassroots activism, strengthening communities and
reforming international policies,” has received a stimulus grant in the amount
of $199,862 for an experimental applied science project to assist indigenous
Siberian communities in engaging Russian policymakers in local civic and
environmental issues. My question
is: Who brings the vodka?
Want to know if it’s going
to rain this week . . . on Venus? According to scientists at the Southwest
Research Institute (SWRI) in Texas, you absolutely do. So the government has
given them nearly $300,000 in stimulus funds to satisfy the American taxpayer’s
profound need for interplanetary weather info. I wonder if their predictions will be any more accurate than The Weather Channel.
The
Department of Health and Human Services has sent $144,541 to the Winston-Salem
college to see how monkeys react under the influence of cocaine. Is that because we have so many chimps who are
strung out?
Now, I know what you’re thinking. No, actually I don’t, but if you were thinking, would you think that any of this was a good idea?
Because I sure as hell don’t!
