US Defense Secretary Robert Gates has ordered additional protections for Hawaii just in case North Korea launches a long-range missile over the Pacific Ocean.
Now, what is wrong with me? I thought that having President Obama in The White House was going to stop all the animosity towards the United States. Wasn’t he going to be The Great Healer, weren’t we all just going to live in peace, love and free Fritos? Weren’t we all going to have a group hug and sing Kumbaya?
What happened? Did we not offer friendship to the little heathens? Didn’t Bill Clinton sell them nuclear technology so that they could have a lamp in every mud hut and a dog in every pot?
I don’t think we’ve been very sporting about this. It’s our fault that the Dear Leader (I mean the North Korean one, not ours) feels compelled to shoot off ICBMs and detonate nuclear bombs isn’t it? After all, didn’t America invade North Korea to start the Korean War. Oh, sorry not true. But wasn’t it America that bombed Japan to start World War II? Oh,sorry not true either. Well there has to be something that makes the North Koreans feel that they need nuclear weapons and the necessary hardware to deliver one to the west coast of America.
We just haven’t done enough for this socialist utopia. That’s the problem. We just need to give them more stuff. Everyone needs stuff. Everyone always wants more stuff.
So here is my list of the top 10 stuff we can send to Lil Kim in North Korea:
10. A year’s supply of Wheaties. It is the breakfast of champions you know.
9. Matching his and hers sweaters. It gets mighty cold around that 38th parallel.
8. A set of golf clubs. They actually work well when torturing suspected American spies.
7. David Letterman. Enough said.
6. Michael Moore. Way more than enough said.
5. One of those Smart cars. Hey, why are we the only ones who have to suffer?
4. Toenail clippers. For those lonely evenings on the DMZ, nothing beats clipping nails and sipping wine.
3. Lifetime subscription to O! Oprah’s on his mind!
2. Ipod with all Barack H. Obama’s speeches. Priceless!
And the number 1 stuff we can send to Lil Kim in North Korea:
Gift certificate to The Chicken Ranch. I hear what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Maybe this will do the trick. If not, we can always send an aircraft carrier taskforce. That might convince him. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.