And now, from the "What the heck is going on?" file: The EPA, you
remember them, the federal bureaucracy that thinks it can tell you how
much carbon dioxide you can expel when breathing, now wants to regulate
"farm dust." In case you don't know what "farm dust" is, it's the small
particles of dirt that drift into the air when a farmer plows the
soil. The EPA, in its infinite bureaucratic wisdom, wants to designate
"farm dust free days." That means that farmers will only be able to
till their land on certain days. Well, isn't that special. Does that
mean that we now all need to go on special "food free days" because
there won't be enough food to feed us?
Come to think of it, that might not be a bad idea. We could ration food depending on your body fat index. Hey, we fight the obesity epidemic, use less fuel for tractors and farm implements and don't have to worry about getting "farm dust" on our shiny new Florsheims. It's a win-win for everybody!
And just think of the boon to beach-goers: no more blobs of cellulite spilling out from beneath ill-fitting bikinis and Speedos. That alone makes it worthwhile!
What's next you may ask? Well, here's a short list of EPA no-nos that will be sure to clean up our environment:
- No more lawnmowers, scissors were good enough during the Middle Ages, and gosh-darn-it, they're good enough now. That would eliminate "lawn dust." Also, your homeowner's association couldn't complain about your unkempt yard. Nice.
- No more sawing wood. Axes were good enough for the pioneers, so why not us, why not now? That would eliminate "wood dust." Of course, we might have to go back to living in caves; but heck, we're going there anyway!
- No more dusting. When you dust your house you kick up "dust dust." That disturbs the dust mite families who probably migrated here looking for a better life. That's NOT nice and most definitely makes you a racist.
- No more political speeches. That would eliminate "gasbag dust." Now that's REAL pollution.
Can the EPA regulate THAT?
Come to think of it, that might not be a bad idea. We could ration food depending on your body fat index. Hey, we fight the obesity epidemic, use less fuel for tractors and farm implements and don't have to worry about getting "farm dust" on our shiny new Florsheims. It's a win-win for everybody!
And just think of the boon to beach-goers: no more blobs of cellulite spilling out from beneath ill-fitting bikinis and Speedos. That alone makes it worthwhile!
What's next you may ask? Well, here's a short list of EPA no-nos that will be sure to clean up our environment:
- No more lawnmowers, scissors were good enough during the Middle Ages, and gosh-darn-it, they're good enough now. That would eliminate "lawn dust." Also, your homeowner's association couldn't complain about your unkempt yard. Nice.
- No more sawing wood. Axes were good enough for the pioneers, so why not us, why not now? That would eliminate "wood dust." Of course, we might have to go back to living in caves; but heck, we're going there anyway!
- No more dusting. When you dust your house you kick up "dust dust." That disturbs the dust mite families who probably migrated here looking for a better life. That's NOT nice and most definitely makes you a racist.
- No more political speeches. That would eliminate "gasbag dust." Now that's REAL pollution.
Can the EPA regulate THAT?
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