President Me

    

I've often thought:  "What if I could run for President?"  After all, is not America the place where anyone can grow up to be President of The United States?  Haven't we just proved that?  Of course, I've always rejected the notion for a multitude of reasons; the foremost being that I would be quickly assassinated.  You see, I just would tick off too many loony lefties.  They would not appreciate my sense of humor and they certainly wouldn't like my conservatarian values.  Plus, I don't have any money, any support or any hair.  But, IF I did choose to run, here is the dirty dozen most important items I would address:

 

1.     Defense:  America will have the biggest, baddest military on the face of the earth.  I would go full bore on SDI (Star Wars for those of you who like cute names) and enlarge and modernize our nuclear arsenal.  You want to send a nuke at us?  First we'll shoot it down, then we'll vaporize your whole damned country!  Oh yeah, and another thing, we reserve the right to use nuclear weapons on any country that supplies, funds and trains terrorists if they deliver weapons of mass destruction to America.  Did you hear that Iran, North Korea and Pakistan?

 

2.     The Middle East:  After eight years of American involvement, Iraq should be fully capable of defending itself.  Will it be easy?  Of course not, but it's time for them to take their future into their own hands.  So I would remove ALL of our troops.  I would add another 100,000 troops into Afghanistan and destroy the Taliban once and for all.  If we have to chase them to the ends of the earth, we would obliterate them.  I would also promise Iran that if they interfere in the internal affairs of Iraq or Afghanistan, its military would be totally destroyed.  We have the ability to do that.  I would restore our friendship with Israel.  It's been damaged beyond belief.  I would remove ALL of our troops now stationed in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and any other Arab state.  We have a navy that can be anywhere in the world within hours so why do we have to have boots on the ground in the most inhospitable environment on earth?  I would also remove  our troops from Europe, South Korea and Japan.  We've  been subsidizing their economies for six decades.  It's time they took care of themselves.

 

3.     Taxes:  I would fight to repeal the 16^th Amendment (Income Tax) and replace it with The Fair Tax.  The current income tax code is more than 16,000 pages!  No one, not even the IRS, can understand what the hell the tax codes mean!  Call ten different reps at the IRS and you'll get ten different answers to the same question.  Now that's government bureaucracy at its finest.  Not to mention that it cost American businesses and taxpayers hundreds of billions of dollars to do their taxes every year.  That's insanity.  The Fair Tax would be exactly that:  fair.  A tax on income is, was, and will always be a punishment for success.  Is that the kind of message we want to send to Americans who want to better themselves and create more prosperity?  I don't think so.  Better that we institute a user tax, or sales tax.  Then EVERYONE, rich, middle class, the so-called poor, drug dealers, hookers and even illegal immigrants who are paid in cash can't evade paying taxes.  Wouldn't it be nice if April 15th was just another day?  An added bonus:  All Americans will have a stake in what our government is doing with our money.  Then we might actually become responsible voters and hold our elected officials accountable.  What a concept!  Right now 48% of the US population pays NO income tax.  They get a free pass.  Does that sound fair? 

 

4.     Jobs:  I would eliminate the capital gains tax and lower corporate taxes to 10%.  It would be the lowest corporate tax rate in the world.  You would see an explosion of jobs here.  Why you ask?  Because international corporations would be crawling over each other to locate here and American companies wouldn't be leaving in droves to escape what is now the second HIGHEST corporate tax in the world.  The elimination of the capital gains tax will see unprecedented investment.  Investment creates growth that creates jobs.  Oh, I know what you're saying:  "Those evil rich people are just going to get richer."  Yes, they are, and you should be glad.  Rich people create the wealth that enriches all of us.  Don't believe me?  When is the last time a poor person gave you a job?  You want to spread the wealth around?  You don't do it by stealing from the producers and doling it out to the lazy and indigent.  You do it by creating an economic climate that allows businesses to grow thus creating new jobs.  It's Economics 101.  I guess Columbia University didn't offer that course when Obama was there.

 

5.     Foreign Aid:  Cut foreign aid completely to any country who votes against us in the United Nations.  You wanted our money, we wanted your vote.  You took our money and voted against us more than 80% of the time.  We don't need friends like you.  Take a hike.  Next, cut ALL foreign aid by 10% annually for ten years.  It's time nations of the world took care of themselves.  Look how welfare has destroyed lives in America.  It's the same around the world.  You keep giving handouts and  countries will never pull themselves out of poverty.

 

6.     The UN:  Speaking of the UN, GET OUT.  That's right you bunch of ungrateful, corrupt and two-faced bunch of anti-American hate-mongers.  Get out of our country and take your unpaid parking tickets with you.  If you want to talk, call us on the telephone.  We're open twenty-four hours a day.

 

7.      Energy:  DRILL HERE, DRILL NOW.  Drill everywhere we find oil and natural gas.  Turn coal into gasoline.  The Nazis did it in World War II, we can do it now.  Eliminate subsidies for ethanol, a proven waste of money and the main reason for the increase in food costs. With the technology we have available, we have oil resources that dwarf Saudi Arabia's proven reserves.  Wouldn't it be nice to tell them to go to hell?  If we could dry up their cash flow, they couldn't open any more madrassas that preach hate and support worldwide Islamic terrorists.  Eliminate the Department of Energy.  The 1970s holdover was put into place to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.  How's that worked out?  Our dependence on foreign oil has risen from 35% in 1974 to 66% in 2006 (current figures not available.)  Another bureaucratic boondoggle.

 

8.     Terrorism:  You attack us, you die.  Just that simple.  You finance and support terrorism, you die too.  I wouldn't commit massive ground troops around the world either.  We have the capability to bomb anyone into oblivion.  Why put our young American soldiers lives in danger?  And I won't be afraid to call terrorists what they are:  Islamofascists who are Muslim fanatics.  You want to meet your 72 virgins?  Get in line.  I'm ready to help.  Osama Bin Laden once said, "You worship life, we worship death."  Well, let's help him worship.

 

9.     The Economy:  Two words:  Unfettered Capitalism.  That's right folks, let the marketplace work for a change.    We could eliminate 50% of federal regulations that govern business and untie the hands of a system that has given us the highest standard of living in the history of mankind. 

 

10.  Education:  I would eliminate the Department of Education right off the bat.  It's worthless and has not improved our schools one bit.  In fact, our children are growing dumber not smarter.  I would turn education back to where it belongs:  local school boards.  Washington should not be telling Ocoee, Florida what its schools should be teaching.  The only federal aid I would give would be a flat rate per pupil to each state, provided that each state enact a voucher system so that parents will have the ultimate say about which school they will send their children to.  The competition for students will have a positive effect as failing schools and incompetent teachers will no longer be tolerated.

 

11.   Immigration:  Seal the border.  After that we can discuss anything.  Except mass amnesty.  Hold employers responsible for hiring illegal immigrants.  Three strikes and you're out would be my philosophy:  Strike one-a $10,000 fine for each illegal hired; Strike Two-a $25,000 fine for each illegal hired; Strike Three-the business is foreclosed on and sold to a disinterested party.

 

12.  Government:  Downsize, capsize and euthanize. We could eliminate 50% of the bureaucrats in Washington and not miss a beat.  Many programs are bloated and duplicated.  There is no reason for that except corruption.  The federal government was never intended to be as big and all-encompassing as it has become.  The power belongs as close to home as possible.  In other words; the states.  And, read my lips:  NO MORE EARMARKS!  I don't care if you're an elephant or an ass, you get NO money for pet projects that bring you votes and pad your bank account.  I will also push for a bill that would prohibit former lawmakers and cabinet members from becoming lobbyists--FOREVER.  I would ask for a constitutional amendment for term limits for congressmen and senators.  If the president can only serve eight years, why should we let these scoundrels draw a paycheck their entire life?  I would use the line-item veto.  Let the courts sort it out. 

 

Now, can I get your vote?